To forgive is..

Forgiveness. It has been preached so much, quoted far too many times and practiced almost never. We're so tired of hearing such cliches that every time we hear the word we deem it as corny; unimportant, and unworthy of further comprehension. So elementary that I shouldn't even be writing a blog post about it. But i want to. I feel that I have to. Because I feel that it's something that has been taken for granted by many.. and I'm not only talking about forgiving others' wrongdoings, it's forgiving yourself that I have become concerned with.

A couple of years ago, I was someone who firmly made decisions and never looked back once I've done it. I even thought of myself as heartless--I can easily forget you as if you're someone I just met randomly yesterday. Of course, as all stories go, things changed. What occurred, who caused it, why it happened is far too long a tale; but I turned into one of those type of people I hate: Someone who goes into deep depression, not able to function as if the whole world has been dropped upon her, just because of that single occurrence in her life. That shouldn't have really mattered as she was blessed in all aspects. As it is, it's true that things happen for a reason, pain really is important for one to grow and understand oneself and others more. But those days from almost a year ago were the dark ages for me, I hated it, I hated the feeling of brokenheartedly waking up every morning as I will only dwell on the things that only make me cry secretly at day and keep me sobbing at night (man, what a loser).

The pain at that time was double, because I knew I had hurt another, even if I didn't really mean to, and another person was causing me so much pain at another end (I really don't like using "pain" and "hurt" so much in one sentence but I understand now that no matter how strong you once where, you'll go through this phase at least once in your life. Don't deny it, it's not corny, I'm sure no matter how 'cool' you are, you underwent through it too!).

To cut this short, I couldn't move on.. i couldn't move forward and look to the future ahead of me. I was so scared, I felt like I was stuck and had nowhere else to go anymore. It was the first time that this kind of thing happened to me, I was starting to panic. I did pray, talked to friends, but back in my room, I was such a pathetic lump of flesh that would just cry the nights away and work like a zombie during the day. I thought I would never snap out of it. In fact, had things not turned out well to this date, I'm not sure how I would bear with it. I don't know how I would move away from that dark tunnel that I was walking through. I'm just thankful that I am better, and I am [we are] no longer left hanging,dangling, and out of air. But until now, even if all seems well, it still bothers me. The dark night still chases me, and I can't seem to let go of that past to the point that I am almost ruining the happiness of the present.

Until I had an enlightening conversation with a friend, who was going through what I've been through the last time. We talked for quite a while and I guess we found the key. We found out why we couldn't let go of things that are stopping us from being the great women that we are supposed to be. We couldn't forgive the people who hurt us, and we couldn't forgive ourselves as well. So I thought, that's why people sometimes ruin their lives and make up lame excuses, blaming how other people made you that way--your parents, your ex, your enemies, your former friends. But the thing is, only YOU can mold you into who you should be. It is your reaction to these adversities that should have made you into a better person. had you forgiven them and just forget the past, I'm sure you could have made yourself into the best person that you should, and can still be. I'm saying 'you', and not me, because I know how hard it actually is to apply, even to myself, who already knows what to do and yet doesn't do it.

I didn't know it was so hard to just forgive and let go of all the shortcomings that someone has done to you. But moreover, it was even harder to forgive yourself for all the wrong things that you did. It's easier to be a brokenhearted zombie than to actually get on with your life and be indifferent to people who affect your life so negatively. That's why I decided to snap out of it. Once in a while, I forget, but I think it truly is effective, once I forgave it ["it" as a refusal to refer to the person as him or her], for all the hurt it caused me, slowly, trust is regained and I feel like the hole that was once in my heart is really beginning to mend. I feel happier, more content, more at peace once I slowly forgave the person and just simply let go of its wrongdoings.

I haven't written for so long I'm not sure if I was able to express such a realization properly. I hope I did. I'm sure a lot of you are also going through severe depression right now, and I know forgiveness is always easier said than done, but try. Try to leave the grudge, forget being angry, forget being hurt, and just remember to appreciate the things that matter. Trust me, you'll be able to move one pretty quickly.:)

To forgive is.. to be happy. It is.

Puerto Princesa, Palawan

A year ago, I planned to update this blog through my first Palawan experience, but then again, a lot of things happened, so here I am, more than a year after, retelling our trip to one of the Philippines' most beautiful islands. It was a sort of pre-reward for all our hard work during our review for the Architectural board exams, but the catch was, we weren't sure yet if we had passed! Yet we decided that it was the best time, since--if for any reason but we were hoping not!--any of us would fail, at least we were there and no one would back out because of such cause.

As I am writing this 13months later, I am finding it hard to recall

the wonderful feeling of travelling to a different island, but I remember doing some last minute shopping for swimsuits and sunblocks! Embarassingly, it was also my first time to ride a plane (nyarhar), so you can just imagine how giddy I was!

We landed safely--of course, I am still here, writing this--and we were met by our host's wonderful parents and were treated for dinner at Leslie's, of which afterwards we went straight to their lovely house. As if we weren't tired enough, we decided to go to the town's park and have some late night coffee before we went back and prepared for our first day at Puerto Princesa.

Our first adventure was to island hop, as you can see from pictures below. Twas my first time snorkelling, too!:)

buying uber cheap hats!

Afterwards, we went to Balay Inato to eat--what else--Chicken Inato! I felt like a kid again, eating using my bare hands. I used to love eating at Jun-Jun's San Fernando, Pampanga and we did the same thing with their chicken barbeque.:)

We wouldn't miss the Underground River, and that's where we went the following day. It was beautiful! The waters that you see prior to entering the cave were crystal clear, and the trip through the cave itself was magical. We were also quite lucky to have a funny guide with us!

guide: "you see that formation over there" (points to a rock that resembles a woman)

us: "yeah?"

guide: "we call her Sharon"

martin (our friend): "Cuneta?"

guide: "No, Sharon. Sharon Stone."

(readers' reaction -- :/ ) Well, I don't know, but that really made us laugh. LOL. Or maybe you really had to be there to appreciate it.

For dinner we tried crocodile meat! yeah! I remember it was a bit.. malangsa (fishy) or it might have been my imagination. And it's true, it tastes like chicken!

Crocodile meat. looks normal, doesn't it?

One of us couldn't stay long so the following trip was to quite a number of places in one day to maximize his time: Puerto Princesa Zoo, Ihawig (where they keep prisoners in an open field, instead of confining them in prison cells. They say in the end, even the prisoners don't want to be let out. I think it serves the purpose of rehabilitating criminals, instead of merely punishing them.) and Baker's Hill where they had really delicious food. For the evening, we went to have dinner at a restaurant beside Legend Hotel, and we had karaoke afterwards (Unfortunately for them, I'm a mic hogger when it comes to that)!

The following day, we went to Badjao Seafront, which had a scenic view of the sea. That was the afternoon of June 21, 2010. During our ride back, they all received messages that they have passed the board exam! I started crying because I didn't receive any-- bahaha I'm such a crybaby-- to realize later that I really wouldn't because I only told a few people that I would be taking it. They then asked their friends for my name, and yup, I passed, too! It was a happy, happy moment, and we started calling our loved ones back home. We went directly to church to say a thanksgiving prayer, ate at a Vietnamese restaurant (which started my affair with Vietnamese food!) and in the evening we had dinner at Ka Lui restaurant to celebrate.

immediate celebration after learning of our victory at the board exams! the vietnamese beef stew was awesome!:D

better not show our faces during these happy tipsy moments! :)

Our last but my most favorite place that we went to was at Nagtabon Beach, still at Puerto Princesa. It was quite a secluded area and few people were there, we three had the beach to ourselves. The waters were as clear, or even more clear, I swear, than glass! It was the closest to paradise that I have ever been. It was also my first time to learn how to swim, the first time I had courage enough to wade through deep waters without anyone holding me!:) cool eh?

We stayed for a week, and we only have our host's family's kindness to thank for our stay. Few know it, but I've always dreamed of going to Palawan since learning of it as a kid. I said I'd rather go there than to Boracay, which I feel has been overrated (but who am I to say if I've never been there, right?) and my wish came true, along with my dream of becoming an Architect.

Thank you Lord, you are so good.

Stop the Negativity. Take Responsibility..for an Aquino Government.

"Every Filipino given the chance, given the right environment, will outperform everybody else." – Gibo

And Benigno Aquino III, being a Filipino, deserves that certain chance too.

I was never interested in politics before. In fact, I coined a term for myself: I considered myself “apolitical” (such as how they form the words, amoral, atheist: not believing in, not having any-), I did not believe in politics, nor any political candidate for that matter. A friend once wrote a note, describing what and how ideal leaders should be. I commented and told him then that I honestly believe that there's no such leader anymore. And I don't think a person who's THAT good would be sane enough to enter politics, ESPECIALLY Philippine politics. I was chided by a family friend about this though, he said that we, the youth must not lose hope. But I still did not believe.

Then Cory Aquino died. A lot mourned for her; we saw the mass of people during her burial. A week after, to my utter dismay, I saw a streamer around our province saying: (near Xevera, Mabalacat to be exact..now come to think of it, isn’t Xevera partly owned by ABS CBN?) NOYNOY AQUINO FOR PRESIDENT. Uhm, im sorry but I don’t think that was appropriate. How could these people think of letting this man run based on the emotions of our people, just a very short time after the death of his mother?

I thought they were not serious. I thought it would not form into a concrete campaign, but..it did. They started filing their candidacy..

..But this post is not really about Noynoy, you see.

The administration announced their soon to be champion: Gilbert Teodoro, Jr. I heard this on the news on a morning before going to work. I told my mom, I won’t vote for someone who works for GMA, but my mom, who also does not like the incumbent president, told me not to be too judgmental and that the man is really intelligent. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about the Philippines and its dirty politics.

But I heard him all right. I heard Gibo on these debates and forums..and yeah he WAS good. To tell you frankly, I really was taken by his educational background and his concise, straight to the point, limited-for-a-certain-number-of-minute answers. Of course, I was impressed. I’m a sucker for honest, intelligent people you see- those who’re really smart and not pretending to be one. So, even before the Green Team was even formed, I had already decided that I will support this man. But mind you, I was still doubtful with regards to his association with GMA, but I took this as sign of not being a trapo, of courageously holding his ground, of not being a balimbing or a political butterfly for his own advantage. (I would soon realize later that I was right in this. Because if he wanted to, he could have moved to another party, pretending to disassociate himself from PGMA and trick us into making her PM instead. BUT HE DIDN’T. And those of you saying that GMA will cheat for him in this elections? Well, there you go. It has been clear from the start that Gibo is his own man. Pity most people did not believe this prior to the elections.)

Fast forward a few months later, campaign is in full swing. Mudslinging. Betrayal; Trapos moving from one party to another. By this time, Gibo has earned my sincerest respect. He was not only smart, he was HONEST and HUMBLE, which is something I can only say to a few men of his breed. Despite the desertions, he forged ahead, focusing himself instead on reaching out to the Filipino people, letting them know his clear and hopeful plans for our future, not promising Utopia but realistic approaches to our problems. He did not promise to get rid of corruption immediately, but instead planned ways to curb it, because he was smart enough to realize that it is already deeply embedded in our society and superficial actions would not be enough to remove it. It did not come as a surprise that it was not only me who saw the goodness in this man, despite the surveys, a lot of volunteers were already pouring in to help him win. Like me, they believed that he will be the leader to help us move eagerly forward as a country. It was not easy. Despite the obvious reasons, many still questioned why we are supporting him; he was a failure they say, he did not have enough experience, and so on and so forth. Of course, I would not vote for a candidate who did nothing. The only reason why they say so is because he works silently without expecting recognition; During Ondoy, he rode the MRT and swam the waters of Ondoy himself, refused to be followed by the media, which should have been an advantage to him. How could they save lives if they use the rubberboats for such media coverage?, he said. There was also a time when there was a calamity in Samar (? Somewhere in Visayas, correct me if I am wrong, I am finding it hard to link bank to my previous researches), nobody would fly a plane in such conditions, so he piloted the plane himself, despite the fact that his father just died and he was attending his wake.

He served his people, and he served his people well, without expecting even a pat on the back.

For this, I respected him, and respect is something I do not easily bestow upon anyone (not that I am that important to do so.).

He inspired me. For once, I felt that the Philippines had HOPE. Finally, here was a leader, within our reach, who would have the competency to lead our nation justly, and make it prosperous, just like our neighbors. I believe this because he would focus on his plans, not waste his time trying to prove another government wrong. I was “apolitical” before, I was a doubting Thomas, but he changed all that. I really believed that finally, we can have a president we could be proud of and who could deal for us with international leaders.

I campaigned for him, to the point that some of my friends found it strange (strange, because they were already asking if I was his niece or how much he was paying me, because I was really passionate in convincing others to vote for him). Never had I been this hopeful, never had I stood for my conviction with regards to the future of this country before.

So please understand that it was not easy for me to accept that I was not going to realize that hope.

There really were tears in my eyes when I started to see that he was not going to be our President. Instead, Noynoy Aquino was. So pardon all the hatred and probably hurtful comments that G1bo would have been ashamed to hear. I was emotional, I was angry. I felt that we were deprived of something that was meant for us. It was within our reach, but we threw it away!

But, it is the truth, and well, as a song goes..truth hurts (a lot, a whole effin lot, by the way). Yet it is the voice of the majority, and we are living in a democratic country. This afternoon, my candidate has conceded, and who was I to oppose?

“This vibrant & newly empowered constituency will work with the new president to help rebuild & unite our country. This is in keeping with G1bo’s positive politics of hope, healing & unity.”

He would have been ashamed of what I said. Hard as it may be to accept, I am a Filipino. Yellow army, like it or not, I am now one of you. (*insert strained smile here* – JK! but I will remain a greenie at heart!) I may not have shared the same views as you have, but we are living in the same country. I said you were not thinking. Perhaps you weren’t, perhaps, you were. God knows we all aren’t perfect, only He knows the game plan. At the least, a sense of nationalism was instilled back in me. For a moment there, I really wanted to help our country, give it a better future. There is nothing to do now but help each other. Dick Gordon (who also should have been a better President) had said that, what we need is not a change of men, but a change in men. It makes a lot of sense. It is up to us, not only the government. I campaigned for positive change, and there is no reason that I should not continue that, just because G1bo did not win the presidency. But he did win, it was us who lost.

Thank you, Mr. Gilbert Teodoro, Jr. You have inspired a lot of us, and have taught many of us to be more educated in choosing our leaders.

As he said, everyone must be given a chance, and so does Noynoy Aquino. As I said in my previous fB comments, we only wish our country good. I hope he sticks to his promises of changing this country. All the best, President Aquino, Congratulations.

*im seeing typos but im sleepy @_@

We Filipinos Truly Deserve a WONDERFUL* President such as Noynoy Aquino

If he does win, the Filipinos deserve Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III.

I’ve never been one who went gaga over havaianas, starbucks, or crocs. Nothing wrong with them, but I never did like following fads, and for me, that’s what they are. No offense to those who do, but it never, ever made any sense to me as to why I have to buy 100 peso-looking slippers for 2000 Pesos. Neither do I get the idea as to why I should sit in a crowded café swarming with wannabes (of course, it is not applicable to those who truly love coffee and really enjoy being there.) when I can spend my own quite time at Figaro without bumping my seat into another unpleasant person beside me. Yet, we Filipinos just looovee doing so, don’t we? And I relate that to the candidacy of Ninoy and Cory Aquino’s son.

Filipinos only choose what is in, or in tagalog, “kung ano ang uso”

Take for example this conversation:

“Why are you wearing that humongous flower on your head?”

“Uso eh.”

“Even though you look stupid?”

“Di mo lang bagay.”

These trend-followers immediately get defensive once you tell them that what they’re doing is not good for them. Kung ano lang ang uso. Hindi nagiisip para sa sarili. Nagmamagaling, nagmamarunong, hindi naman nagiisip.

***

I wrote those first few paragraphs a month ago, and decided not to continue, thinking that I may offend some of my friends who are for Aquino. But my goodness, I am getting emotional here. It is May 10, 2010, 10PM, and the partial results are really getting to me. I am almost in tears, my hands are shaking. I am enraged by the stupidity of the Filipino people. Yes, STUPIDITY. Because they themselves have admitted that they would rather vote for a stupid president who’s not corrupt, than for someone more intelligent who may become like Marcos or GMA in the future. But by golly, MY President has character and these two do not! Besides, sino ba ang mas nagpaganda sa Pilipinas? Despite being a dictator, hindi ba’t si Marcos din, and nagbacktrack lang tayo nung si Cory na?

I reiterate: Those who voted for him DESERVE him! Perhaps you do not deserve a President who will help you out of this deep shit we’re into. This is my own assumption, but perhaps you do not deserve a President who will make the Philippines a country you will love more, a country that’s forward looking, isang bansa na kaya sumabay sa mas mauunlad na karatig bansa. Wala eh, ang gusto niyo yung hindi kayang magisip para sa sarili.. Yung kaylangan may binabasa bago makapag speech. If such a person cannot make decisions for himself, how much more when it comes to decisions when crises occur? Pag may nangyaring gulo, sakuna o gyera? Baka matulog na lang yan.

As of this moment, there is still hope. It is only 40% of the results. If Aquino does win, then it is really our fate. I am praying that there is still hope for the Philippines. I really wish it was only Gibo or Gordon who ran for presidency. Remember, you voted for him. I shall be proud to not take the blame if the Philippines continue to fall in shambles in the next 6 years.. Well, on the good side, at least it will push us to work harder for ourselves, since by then we have only ourselves to rely upon!

* *sarcasm*

and really, ang matamaan wag magalit.

Overachievement Is Not A Good Thing (i.e. Bosses can never be pleased)

Today I was asked to do a 3d rendering of my boss' living room:

I wanted it to look as realistic as possible (my co-worker, kuya Sean, did the "heavy" furnitures :) ), but I think I failed because, well, I didn't use high subdivs on materials and the armchair on the foreground looks so fake (We couldn't see what it really looked like, based from the pictures, it was covered with a protective cloth. And feel free to go figure other reasons why it doesn't look real at all).


That was not the problem, however. In fact, my boss thinks it looks real. TOO REAL. Too much like the photograph, he said, it wasn't possible that we did it using 3dmax. He pointed out the sofa, the table, the curtains, the cushions, the mirror, and accused us of "copy-pasting" it from Photoshop. (I swear I did no such thing, no editing, just the usual brightness-contrast) Worse, it wasn't me who faced him when he said this, our "Head" gave it to him "on my behalf" and he didn't say anything on the contrary! (He wasn't sure himself, I think, if I really edited it) I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered. I mean, come on, 3d renderers (even you!) would immediately see that this work is mediocre. And yet he thinks it's too perfect. I just laughed it off, but inside, I was seething. Did he really think me incapable of doing an excellent job?


I recall a similar incident way back in highschool: We had a project in HE (Home Economics) where we were supposed to sew pillowcases (pretty easy right?). Being the person who always tries to do her best in every endeavor, I meticulously estimated each stitch to be the same size as the other. I submitted it, and expected to achieve high marks, but what do you know, I got what would be equivalent to a C! I asked my teacher to explain why and she said:


"You shouldn't have used a sewing machine."


What??!!!


I sputtered, "But I didn't!", to which she replied, "Well, it sure does look like you did."


Oh, life is such an irony.

Here's the reference photograph by the way:

A Terrifying-slash-Mortifying Moment at the Mall

I never knew malls could give me such an adrenaline rush.


Earlier today I went to SM Clark just to purchase two pieces of quite costly yellow-orange curtains (and erm.. a maximizer bra! hihi). For two freaking pieces of those curtains, I had to stand and wait in line for an hour at the cashier... An hour!


Yep. Today was a 3-day sale for SM, and so they had those usual “if you have a SMAC, you get 10% discount on all items.” kind of thing. And so for my dear mum, I rushed to Our Home to avail of said discount (which you only get, by the way, from 10am-12pm on the first day) for her gorgeous curtains. (20% + 10%? 30% off is a good deal already if it costs, say, a couple of thousands)




So by the time I paid, I was already pretty tired and my temper had reached its maximum level. I decided to eat to cool off my head, and after that went to National Bookstore to browse through books that might be on sale, too.




I was halfway through the Fiction section when, all of a sudden, I heard people screaming and shouting; I glanced up and everyone-all the shoppers- were running towards the exit! What the hell! By instinct, I dashed out of the bookstore at once. Shops were rolling down their doors, and everyone was like, running for the lives. Was there a fire? How come I didn’t hear any alarm?! I don't see any smoke. (and why would stores be closing their doors if there was a fire?) Terrified, I started to hightail it too, but in a heartbeat I passed by the baggage counter and realized with dismay that the curtains were there (with my bra!), I suddenly halted, and ran back to get them. A woman, probably a supervisor, was telling everyone to calm down and come inside the store. Wide-eyed, I entered again and politely asked the guy from the counter (who looked so dead bored as if the events didn’t interest him a bit) for my items. I noticed that only the salesladies and a couple of shoppers were there. I forced a straight face (although I was clearly trembling) and asked what was going on and all they said was, “May gulo”. I felt it was safer inside, so I stayed there and texted my mom not to come and stay in Dau for a while. I saw an unconscious body being carried away by one of the security guards, however, no one was running anymore. Has somebody been killed then? Was there a terrorist out there who was planning to kill all of us? Or a holdaper perhaps? Or just some gangsta shit that some kids have gotten into? I shrank back into the store as other more horrifying thoughts entered my mind.




After a while though (and to my slight disappointment), everything died down and people from the management went around to announce that everything was alright, and to scold the staff for panicking. No one could still answer the ‘why’ question, so I went back to looking at books and bought a manga and a novel that were both on sale, as if nothing happened. Mom called, and said that we go to Marquee Mall instead.




On the way out, I asked a guard from BDO about what went on. He said,


“May pumutok lang ho na dispenser sa KFC, tapos may nagpanic at tumakbo, ayun, nagsitakbuhan na ho yung mga tao.”




What the ****. I was one of those who ran with them, albeit for less than a minute. I laughed aloud at how ridiculous the events turned out to be. I consoled myself that at least I only sprinted less than a meter and didn’t really reach the exit. Ha ha. Embarassing.




So typically pinoy. Overreaction is fast becoming a common trait among us (OA talaga, may hinimatay pa.). Worse than that though, is our attitude to “go with the flow”. When somebody runs, we run too without knowing what we’re running away from. When somebody points at the sky and everyone stares at it, we look up and stare at it too. I guess this goes for everyone, not just Filipinos. But maybe this is precisely why we vote for the wrong persons, why we follow fads that don’t really suit us, why we follow rules when we don’t even know what they’re there for. People hardly have their own opinions anymore; when someone says “This is what’s right!” we immediately believe them. We are too lazy to look back and check at things that matter, following blindly is easier. Individuality is as rare as Britney’s panties.




I challenge anyone who reads this to start thinking for themselves and not be blind followers. You might say “I am not!” but surely, there are points in your life when you were too tired or too lazy to stand by your own conviction and beliefs (If you do have your own).




Anyway, I thank God for this day. It turned out to be an interesting one. Sure beats staying at home or the office all day, typing and clicking away on my pc (and yet that’s what I still ended up doing tonight). :)

When Everything Seems As It Should Be

“You have a perfect life, a good man, a stable job, good friends, a loving family…”


How many times have I heard this, and how many times have I been thankful for it? Countless times, of course. And yet…




Of course there would be the inevitable “and yet..” We’ve grown accustomed to people complaining so much, that we are almost taken by surprise (or more often, envy and irritation) when someone tells us how wonderful and amazing their lives are. I honestly don’t know what started it, but mankind seems to be always drawn to negativity, always thinking about what is wrong with their lives, that they forget that they’re truly luckier than they see themselves to be.


But that’s not the way it is in my case. I know. I know it, I do realize it, and I sincerely appreciate all the blessings that has been given me. I am thankful for them each and everyday. But.. but I’m not happy. Oh yes, I smile, I laugh. When asked, “How are you?” I say, “I’m fine, I’m doing well, thanks for asking.” But recently, or rather, occasionally, I’ve been plummeting to random moments of depression, which appear to have no valid excuse to be present in my life at all. What more could I want? I guiltily ask myself. If I’m not satisfied with what I have right now, then how would I know what would really make me happy? To be free?




It was on a sunny morning, while I was on the way to work that I was feeling so low and thought of these. Those ideas were really bothering me, seeing that I really had nothing to worry about in my life except that maybe I’ve made the wrong choice or that my father had done the choosing for me. But despite that I knew, as an adult, that I had to be thankful for his guidance and that so far, I still feel that I have been brought up correctly and that maybe.. maybe this is where I’m supposed to be. Or maybe I’m supposed to be somewhere else but I don’t have the courage to make the decision myself. Or maybe following another path would make me unhappy. Clearly, I was very confused.




It so happened that that afternoon I decided to read, at last, one of Paulo Coelho’s books. (You’re already probably thinking, oh she’s just gonna blab about how Coelho enlightened her and changed her life, but honestly, I don’t care two cents what you think) I know they’ve been around for quite some time now, but I never got around to reading more of them, in fact, I only read the Alchemist, nothing else. Randomly, I chose The Zahir.


My eyes literally grew in surprise as I read page after page. There, among those sentences are the ideas, the musings that had become my personal Zahir for the past few months.


In his first chapter, about him being a free man, he said:

“I heard other people speaking in the name of freedom, and the more they defended this unique right, the more enslaved they seemed to be to their parents’ wishes, to a marriage in which they had promised to stay with the other person “for the rest of their lives,” to the bathroom scales, to their diet, to half-finished projects, to lovers to whom they were incapable of saying “No” or “It’s over,” to weekends when they were obliged to have lunch with people they didn’t even like. Slaves to luxury, to the appearance of luxury, to the appearance of the appearance of luxury. Slaves to a life they had not chosen, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best. And so their identical days and nights passed, days and nights in which adventure was just a word in a book or an image on the television that was always on, and whenever a door opened, they would say:

“I’m not interested. I’m not in the mood.”


How could they possibly know if they were in the mood or not if they had never tried? But there was no point in asking; the truth was they were afraid of any change that would upset the world they had grown used to.”

And then on another chapter:

“No one should ever ask themselves that: Why am I unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us happy is different from what we have now, then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling even more unhappy.”

Have I found out then, what makes me unhappy? Is it that, I am not truly following my heart's desire, that I am not following the path that I have meant to take, and am only ambling along as people direct me to?


I am afraid that I wasn't really supposed to take up Architecture, and this is something I've never told anyone but Jay. I never, ever wanted to doubt it, but when I was in 3rd grade, my father told me that I would make a good Architect someday, that my talents would be perfect for such a profession. And so I asked and saw and got interested with Architects, and that's when my dream began. So does that mean I was supposed to have my own dream? My father didn't even impose it on me, it was just a suggestion, but from then on I made it my goal, without really fully understanding what I should be doing and how I would be getting there.


If I have to "change once and for all", what else should I be then? I tried to think of what I wanted to be, when I was way younger, and I could think of nothing, absolutely nothing, except that I wanted to be an actress, ("gusto ko maging astista" haha. funny. but yeah, I did.) or a model (funnier, as if i'd have a chance). So scrap them both, what else should I be doing with my life? [edit: I remember that I dreamed of becoming an Archeologist too, but I guess aside from loving History, that's just too much Discovery, NatGeo and History Channel for me?]


I do want things to change, but I never had the courage. Until now, I still don't. Knowing that I have to is small comfort, but someday, I wish to take that leap, too. Coelho makes sense, but for now I want to believe the monotony of my life is because of the work I am in, and its environment. I think it is even precisely that which drove me to this muddled state, just because I have begun to feel so very very bored with it, which almost has nothing to do with Architecture anymore.


I WILL leave, and I will take it from there. I WILL be an apprentice somewhere that would allow me to exercise what I've learned, and if by chance I would still not feel happy, then it really would be time to reevaluate whether I should carry on or not.




-September 23, 2009


** I wrote this as a draft but didn't reach a conclusion until a few days later, after typhoon Ondoy struck. The drastic turn of events brought about by the hurricane had an impact on me; it didn't affect me directly but a sudden awareness of death, suffering and misfortune made me appreciate life all the more, and realize with shame that I was being self centered again by thinking only of my own unhappiness, when a lot of people are dealing with tragedies that are infinitely worse. I saw how sheltered I have been, if things like these shook me up, what chance do I have then, If I was one of the victims of Ondoy, when everything was a matter of life and death, and if you do survive, a question of whether you'll recover everything you've had before is something you would have to deal with afterwards?


My prayers go to every victim of Ondoy. I hope the Philippines recover, and learn from this disaster.