To forgive is..

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Forgiveness. It has been preached so much, quoted far too many times and practiced almost never. We're so tired of hearing such cliches that every time we hear the word we deem it as corny; unimportant, and unworthy of further comprehension. So elementary that I shouldn't even be writing a blog post about it. But i want to. I feel that I have to. Because I feel that it's something that has been taken for granted by many.. and I'm not only talking about forgiving others' wrongdoings, it's forgiving yourself that I have become concerned with.

A couple of years ago, I was someone who firmly made decisions and never looked back once I've done it. I even thought of myself as heartless--I can easily forget you as if you're someone I just met randomly yesterday. Of course, as all stories go, things changed. What occurred, who caused it, why it happened is far too long a tale; but I turned into one of those type of people I hate: Someone who goes into deep depression, not able to function as if the whole world has been dropped upon her, just because of that single occurrence in her life. That shouldn't have really mattered as she was blessed in all aspects. As it is, it's true that things happen for a reason, pain really is important for one to grow and understand oneself and others more. But those days from almost a year ago were the dark ages for me, I hated it, I hated the feeling of brokenheartedly waking up every morning as I will only dwell on the things that only make me cry secretly at day and keep me sobbing at night (man, what a loser).

The pain at that time was double, because I knew I had hurt another, even if I didn't really mean to, and another person was causing me so much pain at another end (I really don't like using "pain" and "hurt" so much in one sentence but I understand now that no matter how strong you once where, you'll go through this phase at least once in your life. Don't deny it, it's not corny, I'm sure no matter how 'cool' you are, you underwent through it too!).

To cut this short, I couldn't move on.. i couldn't move forward and look to the future ahead of me. I was so scared, I felt like I was stuck and had nowhere else to go anymore. It was the first time that this kind of thing happened to me, I was starting to panic. I did pray, talked to friends, but back in my room, I was such a pathetic lump of flesh that would just cry the nights away and work like a zombie during the day. I thought I would never snap out of it. In fact, had things not turned out well to this date, I'm not sure how I would bear with it. I don't know how I would move away from that dark tunnel that I was walking through. I'm just thankful that I am better, and I am [we are] no longer left hanging,dangling, and out of air. But until now, even if all seems well, it still bothers me. The dark night still chases me, and I can't seem to let go of that past to the point that I am almost ruining the happiness of the present.

Until I had an enlightening conversation with a friend, who was going through what I've been through the last time. We talked for quite a while and I guess we found the key. We found out why we couldn't let go of things that are stopping us from being the great women that we are supposed to be. We couldn't forgive the people who hurt us, and we couldn't forgive ourselves as well. So I thought, that's why people sometimes ruin their lives and make up lame excuses, blaming how other people made you that way--your parents, your ex, your enemies, your former friends. But the thing is, only YOU can mold you into who you should be. It is your reaction to these adversities that should have made you into a better person. had you forgiven them and just forget the past, I'm sure you could have made yourself into the best person that you should, and can still be. I'm saying 'you', and not me, because I know how hard it actually is to apply, even to myself, who already knows what to do and yet doesn't do it.

I didn't know it was so hard to just forgive and let go of all the shortcomings that someone has done to you. But moreover, it was even harder to forgive yourself for all the wrong things that you did. It's easier to be a brokenhearted zombie than to actually get on with your life and be indifferent to people who affect your life so negatively. That's why I decided to snap out of it. Once in a while, I forget, but I think it truly is effective, once I forgave it ["it" as a refusal to refer to the person as him or her], for all the hurt it caused me, slowly, trust is regained and I feel like the hole that was once in my heart is really beginning to mend. I feel happier, more content, more at peace once I slowly forgave the person and just simply let go of its wrongdoings.

I haven't written for so long I'm not sure if I was able to express such a realization properly. I hope I did. I'm sure a lot of you are also going through severe depression right now, and I know forgiveness is always easier said than done, but try. Try to leave the grudge, forget being angry, forget being hurt, and just remember to appreciate the things that matter. Trust me, you'll be able to move one pretty quickly.:)

To forgive is.. to be happy. It is.

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